***NB: I wrote the entry below early May 2008, more than two years ago, when I was in the midst of a depressive episode, but I have not posted it, yet it is as applicable now as ever. It seems we can never escape our true selves, no matter how hard one might try to improve themselves. Actually, that's not necessarily true, but I know that it takes a long time, years even, to tweak your ones personality for the better; yay, psychotherapy! I'm now back in Australia, unemployed and drifting for three or so months, the happy memories of Boston-living already fading into non-existence. My postdoc has yielded two middle-author Cell papers under my belt and I should be proud of my achievement but I am not. In all likelihood my research will be an insignificant footnote in the annals of scientific discovery, rather than the 'helping humanity' intentions I once held as a junior scientist.
Being back in the same claustrophobic, toxic, dysfunctional family setting that I once escaped, has been rather crippling and much more difficult than I had expected. It seems the positive changes I made in Boston were still rudimentary, showing that I am far less resilient than I had hoped. Still, like Camus' Sisyphus, there is no choice but to continue rolling the boulder up the hill with the knowledge that it will fall, in this bizarre circumstance that is life.***
I'm scared. When I look to the future, things are so uncertain. Happiness and peace of mind have eluded my thoughts for as long as I can remember. I shouldn't have anything to complain about really, but I do and it worries me. When I look at who I am, I see an insecure, scared and increasingly cynical man who is living the illusion of a young, professional guy that is making the most of his life by living the 'dream' of working overseas, having new adventures and being carefree. I already know that my career will not give me happiness, as I am already somewhat accomplished in this regard, yet ultimately it leaves me unsatisfied. I have the meaninglessly fancy title of Doctor, I work at one of the world's most prestigious universities, and my research has been published in an important scientific journal and has even made prime-time news. My career has given me neither monetary security or underlying joy. I keep telling myself that I have great friends and a loving family, so why do I feel so disconnected with everything around me. I'm finding it harder and harder to feel comfortable in group social settings for some reason. I feel awkward, unintelligent and unimportant. When I'm with a guy I really like, or with a bunch of great people laughing and joking together I feel isolated and like an outsider who can't really connect with them for some reason. It's frustrating. It's always a battle to get what you want in life, but I spend most of my life battling myself, rather than fighting to move forward. What does the future hold and why should one keep fighting for it? One driving factor I'd imagine for a lot of people are for family and kids. Another reason would be for those great, fun moments where life actually does feel great. Those great moments are so fleeting to me that their memories disappear into the blackness of my mind more often than not.
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