Choice

The freedom of choice is a double-edged sword.

When I was choosing labs for my postdoc, I essentially narrowed down the choice to 2 labs. One lab was in California. The boss was very laid back, well liked, and very hands off. The postdocs lived a more laid-back existence although the drawback was that the quality of science from the lab wasn't fantastic. Good yes, but not great. The other lab is the lab I ultimately joined here in Boston. The boss seemed more intense, more involved in people's projects and the science was of a higher quality. It was a higher stress lab but the trade-off was a better career opportunity. It was an agonising decision, and the 'what if...?' scenarios played through my head for a month before I decided. In the end I chose 'career' over 'life and joined the Boston lab.

I now realise that I've made a terrible choice. The more time has passed, the more I've realised and heard from other postdocs that my boss is generally very abrasive and quick to shout at the postdocs: information that the postdocs failed to mention for some reason when I was interviewing for the position. In particular, no scientific proposal seems good enough to avoid the Boss's wrath, even if it is well-thought out and explained clearly. I learned this the past week and it was hammered into me today as I got yelled at by the Boss. It was a full on tirade of wrath. It was completely unreasonable and the factors leading to the shouting are too complicated to write about. I was completely taken off guard and was barely able to mumble a few answers in attempt to clarify the situation or defend myself.

I was made to feel completely worthless and stupid. My recent efforts and hard work over the past week went utterly unrecognised and not one word of encouragement was given. Criticism in science is expected but my Boss delivered it with vengeance that was crushing, humiliating and upsetting. Getting verbally abused in front of fellow colleagues in the lab is not fun. The honeymoon period of being the new guy abruptly ended today.

Sad thing is, almost everyone in the lab at some stage gets treated this way apparently. I was told not to take it personally, but I'm a sensitive guy (over-sensitive perhaps) so I was pretty upset afterwards.

I've considered changing labs but that is a pretty traumatic process and I don't think I can handle it. I've only been in the lab over two months, maybe I'll get used to the Boss's 'unique' management style. I see this time as a way to learn to better myself and be less sensitive.

With choice, comes regret. Sometimes choice sucks.

Reading over this post I can see that it's not very well written, but I'm too tired at the moment to give a shit. I just needed an outlet to vent. I'll reassess the whole situation tomorrow.