An update

Name: Ben.

Hometown: Sydney, New South Wales, Australia.

Current Location: Boston, Massachusetts, USA.

Work: My project has yielded some promising results, so that's a positive. I don't find my project particularly interesting or beneficial for me career-wise, so that's a negative. Additionally, my current research isn't really that congruent with my PhD training, and it's not what I want to research in the future, score more negatives. I came to Boston to gain experience such that I could return to Sydney and consider starting my own lab. My current position isn't facilitating this ambition so I'm scoping alternate labs, with the aim of starting afresh early next year. So this work transition is totally stressing me out. Work score = 4/10

Family: My family is dysfunctional to say the least. Brother is still recovering from his psychosis and remains out of the workforce. Dad continues being a selfish asshole that makes me ashamed to be his son. Mum is overworked and always stressed due to Brother's illness and Dad's antics. Since I am the only family member she can really speak to, she misses me significantly. I'm constantly battling the feeling of guilt over leaving her (and Brother) to pursue a life on the other side of the world. Still, things on the family front aren't as volatile as they have been previously. Family score = 5/10.

Friends: Bing and Lulu continue to be my extremely compassionate guides here in Boston, I owe them a lot. They're like caring older siblings, who are wiser, reassuring and less erratic than me. I continue to talk with them extensively about my work dilemmas and Boston life in general. My two very close friends in the lab, Maestro and Ariel have been extremely considerate and are two really positive people who are fun to hang out with. I'll blog about our time together in future posts. Bay-buddy is constantly supportive and has helped me out immensely, but since he is no longer in the lab we only catch up weekly or so. Of course there's Ex-flatmate and my other long-time mates, GK, Entrepreneur, The Scotsman, Ace & Surfermate, providing essential support +61. Friends score = 9/10.

Love: My status is single. Very, very single. Sigh. I didn't blog about it, but there was an Irish guy, Sean, who I am no longer seeing, but it's OK as it never seemed to be a serious long-term relationship from the beginning. There just wasn't that 'something' between us, but we had some great times, he was charming and damn his accent was adorable (of course he said the same about my Aussie speech). I haven't been particularly proactive in finding a boyfriend recently and this is something I'm seeking to improve on in the immediate future. Love score = 3/10.

Mental health: Between my family and career, it's been a particularly uncertain and worrisome period of my life. Boston still continues to show me novel experiences that makes me feel as if I'm moving forward in my life, perhaps not always in an anticipated direction or as smoothly as expected, but still 'proceeding' nonetheless. There have been times when I've been on the precipice of slipping into depression again, but thankfully this has been avoided. A few weeks of being generally melancholic is the worst I've felt. Mental health score = 6/10.

Physical health: The gym is one of my favourite places. Maestro and I go regularly. We not only train together and motivate each other, but the gym is our place to discuss the lab and everything else in our lives. It's one of our sanctuaries away from work where we can work-out and goof around. I also feel that the exercise-induced endorphins are a key to me avoiding depression. With winter here, running outside is no longer an option, so the gym has become crucial to my mental and physical well-being. I'm definitely as fit as I've ever been, although an underwear-model-worthy six-pack still eludes me, so minus one point. Physical health score = 8/10.

Overall: It's been an emotional, life-changing year, and compared to some other awful years, 2007 ranks as a good one. My Boston life could obviously have been better work-wise (and relationship wise), but in the end this is irrelevant as it could have been much worse. It's difficult to not regret or overanalyse certain decisions I've made in, and leading up to, Boston life, but I'm trying to remain pragmatic and positive about my current situation.

With the close of another year, it's natural to take stock of our lives and resolve to improve on the less optimal parts. I'm looking forward to the challenges of next year. It's not going to be any easier that's for sure, but that as they say, is life. There's no guarantee that I'll rant any less, but I'll try to rave a bit more. My Boston adventure is just getting interesting, I feel that it's "maturing". Should be an intriguing next couple of months.

Blogging was initially designed to keep my mates up to date with my activities here, and it has also been cathartic and immensely enjoyable, I anticipate blogging through next year.

Life is always a struggle, and as one individual amongst the 6,639,361,044 current inhabitants on this world, I try to remind myself that I'm very fortunate to be in my current position. For those of us living relatively privileged lives (I'd imagine the majority reading this blog fits into this category), it's always refreshing to look outside of our daily microcosm and gain a wider perspective on the grander scheme of humanity. Considering I'm not fighting for survival in a war-torn country or suffering from a debilitating illness, it's clear that having an ideal job or being in a loving relationship, really are luxuries in life.

Of course we all know these realities, but it's not often that we actually remember them.

Having the opportunity to live abroad in a great city, getting a PhD, having a Macbook Pro to play with, hanging out with some amazing friends and having a loving (albeit messed up) family are luxuries in my life. I shouldn't complain.

Well that's my current status and the last post until I return to Boston from my European holiday (I fly out in a few hours and still have to pack, shit!). To my mates, enjoy the Sydney summer, don't go too crazy over NYE (I'm looking at you Scotsman), and if there's anything I've been reminded of from living in Boston, it's to be a little more bold and dip outside your comfort zone from time to time, who knows what you'll gain. Miss you guys immeasurably. To everyone reading this, may the New Year find you safe and well. My overall score remains = +61.

Reality is a state of mind

Another b'day shout out, today (Sydney time, April 25) is my elder and only brother's birthday. I don't want family reading this blog so he won't be reading this but what the hell, Happy Birthady Big Brother. It's also Anzac day in Australia, a public holiday to commemorate Aussie Diggers who tragically died in WWI and Gallipoli in particular.

For the first time since I arrived in Boston about a month ago, I called home (I did send a few emails though) to say Hi to Mum, wish Brother happy birthday and to give an update on what's been happening in Boston. Brother seemed pretty happy that I called and we had a good laugh over the phone. Although Brother is a year older than me he's still living at home and is unemployed. This is due to him being mentally ill, as he suffers from 'psychosis'. Basically its the same as schizophrenia, in that he thought people were spying on him constantly, putting listening devices in the house, sending him secret messages through junk mail, TV and radio, and it got as bad as him thinking that they were controlling every facet of his life and basically the world he lived in. For a time he thought he was living in a Truman-world situation where even I was part of the conspiracy. Brother's condition is similar to the main character in A Beautiful Mind with Russell Crowe. It's a great film by the way and I recommend it highly.

Brother and I have always been close although less so since I moved out of home in Sydney. Still finishing his second university degree, he couldn't afford to move out and lived with my parents (that's another saga in itself). I feel guilty sometimes that I was too involved in my own messed up life at the time he was falling ill, a time frame of 3 months or so, to notice that he wasn't well. I became aware of his illness a few months after we had returned from a 6 week trip around the world, a time I'm grateful to have had with him before he got sick. We hadn't spent a lot of time together preceding that trip as I was living away and busy with my PhD, so it was a good to reconnect with him and we shared many laughs and misadventures along the way.

My sadness at Mont St-Michel as captured by Brother

During our travel it was mostly me who organized everything, but there were times when I needed the assurance and help that a big brother instinctively provides. It was Brother in the beautiful citadel of Mont Saint-Michel, France who cheered me up when for no good reason I was feeling miserable and depressed. It was Brother who miraculously located some bandages and burn cream in hot, humid Saigon, Vietnam while I lay in a air-conditioned hotel room, nursing a burn on my leg that I foolishly received from a hot motorbike exhaust. It was the same Brother who had looked out for me during our childhood, and who I looked up to as we grew up. This is now a sad memory.

Brother and me had a great time travelling, he was celebrating the end of his degree and I was getting much needed R&R from my PhD. He seemed a little quieter than usual at times but still seemed the Brother I had always known. I was wrong. Little did I know that his comments that he wasn't sleeping well during the trip would be a symptom of his developing psychosis.

Brother had always been quiet and a bit of a loner. He did have his small circle of close friends during high school but over the years he had seen them less and less, much like the case with his university friends. I'm not going to go into detail about the dreadful process of finding out that he was mentally ill since just typing this is making me tearful, but needless to say it was a massively distressing event for me and the family. The Scot, Ace, GK and Ex-flatmate have an inkling of that terribly confusing and scary day. What I will say is that seeing your own brother in basically a mental asylum is unspeakably awful.

Despite my aforementioned guilt, I take solace that he finally reached out to me to share his problems which finally led to him receiving treatment. At present he's on very strong anti-psychotic medication which has made him less irrational/paranoid but he's still not the Brother I used to know.

Despite the medication, after 15 months or so after getting treatment, Brother still denies that anything is wrong with him, insists that he doesn't suffer from psychosis, and is adamant that everything he 'experienced' was real. Now he's extremely quiet and doesn't seem to enjoy doing anything, although he is more rational than before. He spends his time watching TV, and just sitting, trying to puzzle what 'They' want him to do and what 'They' want from him, basically trying to work out what the fuck is happening to him. I'm told he'll be on medication for probably his whole life. When I think of his long-term prospects as he is now I feel a sense of despair, not just for him but for the extra burden on Mum who is obviously distressed about the whole situation, particularly because they didn't get along for many years, including the time Brother fell ill. However, I hope that gradually he'll get better and one day he'll be able to rejoin the workforce, live independently and just simply enjoy life again.

Even though you'll never read this, Happy Birthday Big Brother.